today ♥

Today my heart murmurs raindrops on dry earth.
Drop by drop they race to reach the parched.
Drop by drop they clasped,
Happy unheard puddles.

Today my heart dances arabesques on air.
Tiptoeing over confessions on outrage.
Tiptoeing over quiet longings,
Graceless square cries.

Today his heart kissed mine under his covers.
Wistful fingers writing away unsaid love.
Wistful fingers separated from his,
Raging emotions afire.

Today his heart embraced mine under the favor of stars.
Silent yearnings trapped in loud blithe.
Silent yearnings spoken aloud,
Fresh declared love. 

whispering stars

The stars whispered to me last night. They told me the entire universe had secretly conspired for the day when my heart will break open. After that, they said only happiness would embrace its pieces back together. That I don’t have to be scared because I’m bound for happiness and that I cannot escape from that truth.

***

I was lying in bed, fighting off monsters in my tummy, when I realized that when you’re at the end of your life the things that truly matter must dawn in on you. One by one, things that weigh the value of your life must hit you hard on the heart. It can’t be all about achievements, good grades, money, fame or success. I even doubt if they’re part of it at all. I guess it all boils down to pure happiness, the rare occasions when you have reached that state. And the rare moments when you were made to realize such truths.

Perhaps life has more to do with moments when you felt ecstatic beyond words. When small deeds of kindness and love humble down your ego. It’s when you wake up in the morning and you realize how your heart throbs for one person and how this overwhelms you. Or that time when you surprised your dad on his 50th birthday with a candid beautiful movie clip you and your brother made about him and how people see him. That moment when you embraced your aunt when she cried over the death of her 22-year old son who struggled bravely against leukemia. That somber afternoon when your brother showed up in your grandmother’s doorstep after running away from home (or was it from the world?). Also, those lifeless wee hours during grade school when you sneaked in the kitchen to take a bite of your mom’s sylvannas.

It could be those tearjerker laughters you shared with your grandmother when she was at her last battles with cancer. Her bones almost sticking out of her wrinkly listless skin told everyone how painful every moment was for her, and yet she never failed to inspire you to laugh life away. And she taught you how you ought to live life the fullest whilst you have the chance.

Life being too short makes worrying about it and worrying about the possibility of failing at it a total bull. All this perhaps and whens and moments - they remind you the extent of what you can get out of life. It tells you how you can’t hold on to them because what you get out of life is the experience of life itself. That you should try with all your best to live those moments because you’ll miss the life in it if you don’t. 

***

So I asked the stars, “How do I not miss those moments?”

“You have to realize first the things that truly matter to you, and then decide to live your life for them,” they answered in chorus.

***

Now I am back in my bed and still fighting the same monsters in my tummy. But I have come to realize how I don’t have to go near death to let the things that truly matter dawn in on me. One by one, I have allowed the things that weigh value in my life hit me in the heart. Starting today, I will live life for them.

Strangely, I am not scared anymore.  And I can’t care to worry whether I’m misunderstood, unrequited, taken for granted, judged, failing, changing, losing, dying - I can only live as much as I can. I don’t have super powers to please everybody. I also don’t have a responsibility to be perfect. But I do owe it to the things that matter to me to live life the fullest.

Of course, sorrow, pain and the rest of the horrible things in this world, they exist. They are part of everyone’s realities. I will not let them ruin my resolve to live life, though. The stars promised me I am bound for happiness. I don’t know if they were telling the truth. But having the will to embrace that fate makes it seem possible. 

 ***

The stars did not whisper strange things to me tonight. But I am happy.  Astonishingly.

When Antony married Octavia

Cleopatra confesses to a dead Caesar…

Cleopatra says: So I choose to love him in silence. It’s better this way. No one can tell how it hurts still.

Caesar says: Ugh. you are such a sad heart fuming with cliches and broken tears.

Cleopatra says: I know. Today I promise to keep wearing a happy face. Not to hide my pains. But to convince myself that it’s all going to be alright. The day will come when the heart won’t have to long so painfully for him.

Caesar says: Demmit. You cannot have him. That is truth so solid you cannot undo.

Cleopatra says: Hmn. So much for love. And hearts. And pains… And him. 

small hands, big dreams

As a kid I saw the world big and easy enough to fit into my small hands. I knew fairytales rarely happen but I was confident that when I grow up I would make a difference and perhaps change the world.

It’s funny, though, because I wanted to believe in ever afters. Happy ever afters. That for as long as I keep moving forward, stay good in the coolest way possible (in everything that I have to deal with) - I could probably reach my happy ever after. 

But now, after a quarter of my lifetime has gone past me, it has become clearer that ever after is not a reality anyone can afford. That I have to forget myself to make a difference. That some people die trying to change the world. And that my hands are actually too small to even grasp it.

As a kid I never saw my hands too small to not dream big. Never felt my heart powerless to not change the world. Never doubted that happy ever after is waiting for me somewhere after. 

Didn’t know the world would grow daunting monsters within me and change my heart relentlessly.  Perhaps had my heart remained a kid -  I won’t have to see my hands too small or my dreams too big. 

summer oh eight

The colors of this year’s summer were family, friends, water, sand and sun.

 Eunice, one of my closest buddies, smiling away as the sun magically kisses everything in this white heaven, Bantayan Island, Cebu.

 A calm morning greeted us on the way to Cagayan de Oro City. 

 Surigao City tricycles.

A quiet afternoon in Bantayan. 

I failed to go bungee jumping or sky diving or tried to discover my own secret recipe. But at least I spent most of the summer with laughter, love and a few sunburns.