Stalled

How do you let go of someone who never even had the chance to say goodbye?

I was working on my organic chemistry problems about a quarter past 1 am earlier today. I had an exam to accomplish in a few hours. Not a single soul was alive except for a lunatic that was dancing in the middle of a mute night. That was I, with my headphones isolating me from the sleeping world. After a few minutes of headbangin' I found myself scribbling words that had nothing to do with hydroxylation or stereochemistry.

Soft tiny streams stroked down my face one after the other. My clueless nose started sniffing back fluids that tell of an unforgiving sadness. The kind that only time can measure.

The kind that reminds you how this life is beyond you. That loving cannot promise you a painless story. That death is real.

It's been two months since that longest weekend of my life. I thought I've had enough tears shed over it already. The memory of him lifelessly breathing through an intubator keeps me drifting to that hollow place where I cannot win. I keep stumbling at my knees every time I come to that point when it says "Let go".

He didn't even say goodbye. Until now I keep asking him to stay inside my memory. Every bit of memory that I can keep. Because that's the only way for me to keep him. And I don't think I can even start to face the truth of letting go.

hmmm.

Hey you,

I think the sky practically turned blue when you began to notice it.
You realized you like it blue. Perhaps it has known this forever.

Some girl will keep sending you hearts and kisses
wrapped in a handful of words and colors. And typos.

Naturally you will not mind. Because you’re cool like that.
This girl, she’ll keep insisting that you both become co-secret kids.

You will be forced into this. Because you’re really a secret kid too.
This girl, you’ll keep insisting she’s the bigger secret kid, though.

And she will not mind. Because she likes to send you hearts and kisses
wrapped in a handful of words and colors. And typos.

You will grow to like her. Because you will grow to like her.
Accidentally you become copycats of each other. Copycats.

Through a window by the phone and a handful of strange words.
You will grow to doze off on her. You become her King Dozer.

Somewhere right about now some cool guy was born. Most definitely, he must have made his mum and dad super happy because they heard him cry for life the moment he became part of the world. Twenty-two years after, I will fall in love with him. To that guy. For making my heart throb, sweeping me off my feet. And for dozing off on me. Have a great 22nd! We’re now finally even. Even numbers. LOL. Thanks for everything. And stay mine. ♥